


this dream isn't feeling sweet (reeling through the midnight streets)

by antpelts



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Car Accidents, Character Death, Feelings Realization, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Time Loop, happy halloween yall, its a loop so they come back and the accidents arent terribly detailed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:14:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27321031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antpelts/pseuds/antpelts
Summary: “I know it’s stupid.. I just- shit. This sounds so fucking.. crazy but.. I swear I keep waking up- I keep waking up like today. Like.. multiple times.” The words came out rough and nearly broke at the end as his breath shuddered, shoulders rigid.“Okay, hold on. Back up, Ev.” At least Jared wasn’t laughing. Tentatively he released his grip on his backpack, instead reaching out to settle on either of Evan’s shoulders. “So.. like, you keep waking up, but it’s today?”/ a time loop fic
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman
Comments: 28
Kudos: 102





	this dream isn't feeling sweet (reeling through the midnight streets)

**Author's Note:**

> ay,,, okay this isnt beta'd so i might edit this over time for typos n stuff but.. i wanted to do something for halloween
> 
> cuttin it close but its literally just past 11pm for /me/ !! its still halloween ! i made it !
> 
> edit; go listen to the playlist zoe made for this fic !! ;_; https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3aQxOpIgp8UMWuDjhVJ23n?si=pH-EEgjvS5iBf6yaJwcwcw

> _6:31 am_
> 
> _Monday October 31, 2016_

For a second Evan stared down at his phone, face scrunched up in confusion.

At least it explained why his room was warm and why the sun was closer to rise than usual. Because _usual_ was a later sunrise while there was ice on the ground outside. The last thing he remembered was getting Jared into his car, sloppy drunk, just trying to get him home - well, to his _own_ home. His mom always knew how to handle these things and Jared’s parents were MIA for the weekend. 

While he only had his permit the situation was sort of dire, Jared was stumbling over himself and his eyes were sort of glazed over. Despite all of this he still had enough control over his words to give Evan some choice opinions. Though, looking back - looking to the future? - a lot of it was.. solid. He just didn’t want to hear it, of course. 

Didn’t want to hear it enough so that he turned his head to look at Jared and tell him that much.

When they met eyes, though, he realized that Jared was crying - his voice starting to give out for so many reasons. 

The last thing he remembered was his face being too brightly illuminated by headlights as Evan just _looked_ at him.

So _how_ was he in bed, weeks earlier, unscathed?

None of this seemed particularly off, not that he really remembered this morning the.. first time it happened. He’d been too filled with nerves because.. The speech. He had to give a speech.

There was no way everything could’ve been an elaborate dream. There were too many details, his speech had gone _viral._ The.. well, the fight he’d had with Jared, that was too real. But.. he wasn’t dead, either, right? He gave himself a quick pat down before rolling out of bed, shaking out his hands and looking around. Everything sure _felt_ real. He felt alive.

Not to mention his cast was back. Getting it off had felt so _real_ but.. here it was. Stiff plaster back on his arm.

When he pulled his jeans on they felt real. His shoes fit on his feet. His fingers still fumbled the same as always as he buttoned his shirt up. The hoodie he shrugged on still had a slight weight to it. His backpack was as heavy as ever. As he passed through the kitchen he felt a pang in his stomach, still felt that weird turn in his stomach before he shook his head and ignored the prospect of a granola bar.

Maybe it had been a dream, somehow. Maybe it was some sort of prophetic dream? He’d never really believed in any of that - or anything even vaguely similar, like astrology - but now that he was living.. _something_ he didn’t really have a choice but to be skeptical, but to question. Which was to say, his anxiety spiked to all time highs as he made his way to the bus. Not great, considering he still had a speech to give at the assembly. 

* * *

> _11:26 am_
> 
> _Monday October 31, 2016_

“You look like shit.”

Evan didn’t remember Jared saying that last time. Or, in his dream. Maybe that proved it was a dream - reality was different. Wouldn’t everything be the same if he was in some fucked up reality? Every time someone in some movie kept reliving things they always were the same - that was how they found out they were reliving it. Right?

“I guess.. like, I didn’t sleep well.” It was probably the understatement of the century. He woke up from a dream about a car crash feeling like.. well, like he’d _been_ in a car crash. That was probably something he could try and look up during free period. Could people get phantom pain from dreams? Or.. maybe he just slept wrong and that was why his neck hurt. It just.. felt real.

“Mm,” Jared hummed an acknowledgement, turning his gaze down as he poked at the hash brown on his lunch tray. He seemed sort of subdued but, “me too, I guess.”

“Oh,” Evan mumbled lamely in response, dropping his own gaze to stare at his hands where they rested on the table. 

“Well,” Evan was sure Jared was only trying to fill the space because he didn’t like the silence - they hadn’t really shared a nice silence together since they were probably fifteen - “hopefully you slept enough to have your big debut.”

It wasn’t as sarcastic or, like.. rough around the edges as Evan expected. If anything it sounded more genuine than not. He didn’t really want to go off of his dream for anything because it was just.. that. It had to be. Though, he’d remembered Jared being a lot shorter with him then. Not necessarily upset.. just.. different.

“It’s not..” He gave a short sound, meant to be a scoff but more of a laugh. Even he was caught off guard by the easy fondness - sure, he and Jared had been spending a lot of time together but.. He hadn’t necessarily felt completely at ease, completely secure, at least not enough for his shoulders to slump like that and a grin to grace his lips as he rolled his eyes. If anything he’d been on the defensive lately, scared of getting caught at any turn. “It’s not like.. a debut, or whatever. It’s.. It’s just, like, gonna be small. Just the school.”

“Sure.” When Evan looked up Jared had his own little smile. It felt so painfully contrasted from the dream he’d had - from the yelling, from Jared running off, from hauling him into the car as he cried and cursed - it felt _good._ “Still, I’m not gonna be able to save your ass if you, like, fuck up your little cards and.. and like, mix ‘em up. Pull some _‘and that’s why suicide is bad- good afternoon students and faculty-’_ bullshit, yanno?”

Huh.

For a second Evan was quiet, remembering a distinct moment in his dream. How did Jared know that? It just had to be a coincidence - it wasn’t an outlandish thing to mention. He never had the best of luck with public speaking so Jared was probably just poking fun at that. Besides, he always whipped up the craziest ‘worst case scenario’ tangents, this was just him doing that. It had to be.

“Mm,” Evan shook his head slightly and gave a scoff that seemed to lean more towards amused. It was laugh a little or get increasingly paranoid - he couldn’t afford paranoia. Jared was the only person who was on his side, even if a little begrudgingly; he was the only one who really _knew_ and Evan didn’t want to drive him away. “I mean, like.. give me a little credit- like, a little credit, at least.. ‘m not gonna give a- give a speech that sounds, um.. like, _that_ dumb, dude.”

“Hey,” Jared took the bait easily, nose scrunching up as he laughed, hands raised in mock defense. “I’m just saying. ‘sides, I.. you’re like some boy genius with writing or whatever. It’s the _delivery_ that we’re talking about here. Don’t dig at my inability to whip up a speech here on the spot to make fun of. You’re deflecting.”

“Maybe,” it was accompanied with another short huff of a laugh and the realization that they were just sort of.. normal. There was nothing holding them together, no emails, no feeling stuck as a ‘polite guest’ at the others house. At any moment Jared could’ve just stood up and left, but instead he stayed sitting, entertaining this conversation.

With no obligations.

Why did it make his stomach feel sort of weird?

“Maybe,” Jared parroted it back, one part mocking and one part amused. 

“Shut up,” Evan couldn’t stifle his snort of laughter, nudging Jared’s foot under the table before he ducked his head and busied himself with his sandwich. It was easier than trying to form any coherent thought and.. He sort of realized he didn’t even _need_ to uphold any conversation because Jared seemed content enough to do the same, going right to eating his own lunch. 

It hit him that he didn’t remember the last time they just.. existed together.

It was nice.

* * *

> _3:45 pm_
> 
> _Monday October 31, 2016_

“Dude, I was kidding earlier.”

Of course Evan knew that, he just couldn’t shake that.. dream. People had dreams about the future - it was a thing that happened! Though he really hadn’t had ample time to dig around the internet for help in his free period. Would diverting from whatever had happened in his dream have some fucked up ripple effect? If he did the _same_ thing was he doomed to die in less than a month? Was this his time to change it?

Had he been given a second chance?

“Ev,” Jared’s voice drew him from his spiraling thoughts with the assistance of his hand settling on Evan’s shoulder. He jolted, his own hand moving up to settle over Jared’s, his arm with the cast hung limply at his side. 

For a second they both just looked at each other, Evan’s sweaty palm sort of caused him to stick to the back of Jared’s hand.

“Sorry,” it was barely above a breath, the strain was evident.

“You’re gonna be fine. You’ve got, like, all your little notecards.” There was something about the way he said it, though. Something in the way he scrunched up his nose for a split second. 

Evan never considered himself great at decoding, though, and if Jared was trying to tell him something he just couldn’t pick up on it.

Either way, he pulled his hand away, out from under Evan’s. As if to break them out of their odd spell he just clapped his shoulder, putting on that same grin he always pulled. The one that was less convincing the more Evan saw it.

“Yeah, um. Yeah,” swallowing thickly Evan just nodded his head, smoothing his hand over his pants. “Thanks. I guess.. just, y’know. Public speaking.”

“I know,” Jared confirmed. Before Evan could really process what was happening he felt hands on his collar while Jared straightened out his tie. “Can’t go out there looking like a mess.”

“Right,” his voice was a little choked and he couldn’t really put a solid reason to the flush on his cheeks. It was just embarrassing, to have Jared fixing his appearance, to think that he looked rumpled in the first place. That had to be it, right?

“Right.” They’d been doing a lot of parroting lately and Evan just wasn’t sure what to make of it. “Go get ‘em, tiger.”

Even though he tried to keep his tone light Evan couldn’t help but pick up on the slight hesitation, how the words almost caught.

Like Jared knew things he didn’t.

He was probably just reading into everything a little too much, he was just having an off day. It was that stupid dream. It _had_ to be a dream. Even if he believed it a little less every time he repeated it to himself. He was just seeing things where there wasn’t anything, he wanted to believe that someone else understood whatever was going on, so he was just projecting it outwards. Jared was just trying to help, that was all.

With that he gave a weak smile and an equally weak thumbs up as he backed away from Jared, moving to disappear backstage to take the last few minutes he had to himself. 

* * *

> _5:12 pm_
> 
> _Wednesday November 2, 2016_

“You’ve given me my brother back.”

Evan’s heard this before, he’s heard this exact line. 

If he wasn’t sure in the last two days he’s sure as hell _now._

This time before Zoe could kiss him he preemptively scooted backwards, rubbing his hands back and forth over his knees. The rough plaster of his cast pressing down helped ground him a little. She stopped where she’d moved to try and lean closer, he knew what was coming. It was just wrong, it felt wrong. Everything felt wrong.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out quickly, keeping his gaze on the ground and shaking his head. He scuffed his socks over the carpet, shoulders tensing. He couldn’t do it - couldn’t do whatever had happened between them the first time. Or.. whatever that had been. It took that for him to realize that this wasn’t what he wanted. “I mean.. not for that. Shit,” well, sort of for that.. considering it was all a fucking lie, “I’m glad. Um, I’m really.. glad. I’m just.. I wanted to, uh, apologize for before when- before when I, um.. that was just so weird of me and I’m sorry.”

“Oh, so.. you..” To be fair, Evan wasn’t sure what he’d say in her place, either.

“You’re.. you’re great. Really, I’m just.. you know people do.. weird things when this stuff happens.” It was going to feel bad either way, that much was evident. It was better _this_ way, though - it was better to back out instead of dragging them through whatever relationship they’d try to build under false pretenses. Zoe wasn’t some magical person who’d fix him, she was just a girl. And he was just him. It didn’t work. They were two hurt people who weren’t going to fix each other.

He’d just have to find somewhere else to pin his hopes.

Ideally not some person who he projected assorted things onto.

“Yeah, no,” Zoe nodded as she spoke, tucking some hair behind her ear. Even if it made his stomach sort of twist when he caught her disappointment out of the corner of his eye he _knew_ it was better like this.

“I.. sorry,” he knew he was being a broken record but knowing he was the one causing that look on her face just sort of tore him up, made him squirm. “You’re.. sorry, you are great. I just.. you know?”

It was pretty bold of him to ask that considering even _he_ didn’t know what meant.

“Yeah.. I, yeah.”

* * *

> _7:04 pm_
> 
> _Wednesday November 2, 2016_

“You’re kidding me, dude. Like.. you gotta be fucking with me.”

“What’s.. why do you- why would you say that?” Evan _knew_ that Jared was teasing him, he’s got the grin plastered on to prove it. Still, though.. everything _still_ feels wrong and it has him on edge in the way that makes him feel itchy. Makes him defensive.

“I mean, c’mon,” maybe there was even a hint of bitterness, but Evan was only sort of listening, “you finally got your shot with Zoe fuckin’ Murphy, and you.. what? Pussy out?”

“That’s.. that’s not..” It steadily got harder for him to keep his cool, hands curling into fists where they rested in his lap. Maybe it was a little.. rude or whatever to be picking a fight while Jared had offered to drive him home but the snowball just picked up speed as it rolled. His right hand idly found his cast, fingertips pressing against the plaster. “I can’t believe you- that’s so- you’re so-”

“What? What am I, Ev?”

Jared was baiting him into a response and he knew it. He should’ve known not to take it, should’ve crossed his arms and just pouted the rest of the way home.

There was a lot he should’ve done. Could’ve done.

“Just.. you’re kinda being, like, a dick,” it came out twice as harsh as he’d meant it to, practically spitting as he said it, “like.. shit. You were _just_ like telling me- like.. telling me how fucked up the Zoe thing.. uh, was. But.. but now that I, like, _do_ something about it you’re- you like start fucking backtracking? Like, what? Am I supposed to.. just supposed to keep _lying_ to her or just..”

Evan never got his answer.

When he turned his head he just saw Jared looking back at him.

Headlights cast over the interior - way too bright - and he can’t get another word out before the car is rocked. It was a violent jolt, a sudden jerk to the right. His seatbelt dug into his shoulder.

* * *

> _6:31 am_
> 
> _Monday October 31, 2016_

What were the odds that someone could have a dream within a dream?

And what were the odds that a dream could leave lingering pain? Not just ‘back aching’ pain, like he’d slept wrong. It was in his head, in his shoulder - really, he was surprised there wasn’t a mark across his chest, he swore he could still feel the seatbelt.

That only lended itself to more questions, though. To recognize that the pain and aches he felt were in agreement with his dream, that is. Dream. He was still desperate to convince himself that was all that it was.

One big, bad dream.

It had to be some cruel twist of fate to be stuck on _Halloween_ of all things.

* * *

> _11:24 am_
> 
> _Monday October 31, 2016_

“You look like someone dragged you backwards through a bush, dude.”

That was another thing that just didn’t add up - it was a similar sentiment, different delivery. On one hand it almost felt like some sort of sign, that Jared was altered now both successive times he’d had this lunch. Though, other people had changed too, not kissing Zoe changed things. There were other factors going into this. 

If anything Jared’s switching started to make him wonder if he’d already fucked something up, he didn’t follow his routine to a T, he was sure. Now that he was desperate for any sort of explanation, any sort of concrete _anything,_ he was questioning himself. Maybe it all branched out from the source and he’d already mangled it.

“Yo, dude?”

“Sorry,” it came out as naturally as blinking, a simple cause and effect.

“Did you, like, not sleep at all?”

“No.. No, like.. I mean, I _did,_ um.. sleep, that is.” Being trapped under Jared’s gaze had him sort of nervous, the way he looked at him seemed prying. He knew he was being twitchy and dodgy but he didn’t _want_ to be, and he didn’t want Jared to pick it apart. Didn’t want to crack and spill his guts because it was just _absurd._ These things didn’t happen in real life.

“Mm,” Jared nodded with a slight hum, dropping his gaze to his lunch tray as he poked at some syrup drenched peaches. “Well, either way, man. You look kinda like shit.”

“Thanks,” Evan muttered with a harsher sarcastic edge than he’d meant. He was glad for the deflection, though. Now he just tilted his own head down, tearing the foil lid off a cup of applesauce.

“Yeah, no problem.” Jared’s words were just as tense, dripping with similar but opposite frustrations.

* * *

> _3:45 pm_
> 
> _Monday October 31, 2016_

“Just.. like, it’s just one speech. Take a breath.”

_Just one speech._

It took everything Evan had in himself to not just scoff and roll his eyes - this was his third run at the speech now. Both times already he’d done the same thing, fumbled with his cards, somehow created something that people _cared_ about. That made people care about _him._

Honestly, he didn’t want it anymore.

If this was his alternative he was happy to dip into obscurity again.

“I _can’t,_ it’s.. it’s just like,” there weren’t any words he could use to just explain it all to Jared. Well, there were but he’d since decided that just telling his whole truth, or whatever, was off the table. Especially _now_ when he was just about to go on.

This time Jared kept his distance, didn’t move forward and touch his shoulder. Didn’t look down to his tie, didn’t adjust it. It had him wondering, again, if he’d somehow fucked something up. He wanted to get _that_ route again. Whatever that had meant. Subconsciously he moved to hold onto his cast.

“Like what?” They seemed back to normal, at least. It wasn’t the snappy tone Jared has used at lunch (in _response_ to Evan’s), it was almost cloyingly encouraging him to keep explaining himself.

Of course he fell right into it.

“Like.. I guess I just feel like- it feels like something’s gonna.. uh, like, happen.” That was probably safe enough - vague and it played well with his anxiety. Of course he’d be worried about a speech in front of a crowd, doubly so when he already knew what was going to happen. “I just.. I don’t think I’m, like, ready.”

Understatement of the year.

“Yeah, well.. something _is_ going to happen.” That was enough to make Evan’s blood run cold - did Jared also know something? Did he know things Evan didn’t? Did- “You’re gonna go out there and, like, fuckin’ kill it, man.”

Huh. That wasn’t what he was expecting.

“Oh, uh,” he frowned a little, shuffling his feet over the ground a little. Not only had he not expected any sort of positive sentiment, he was still trying to process that it’d come from Jared. Jared who was content to tease and prod, who had already teased him about his ability in the realm of public speaking. This was the opposite sentiment he’d presented before. “Okay. Yeah. Okay.. thanks.”

“Sure, man.” Even though the words were nonchalant when he shuffled forward and clapped Evan’s shoulder, his hand lingered. Not as much as last time, but.. It lingered.

Jared lingered.

Evan had to be the first one to slip away, called by the pull of Alana’s voice, promising they were starting soon.

* * *

> _6:21 pm_
> 
> _Wednesday November 2, 2016_

“So.. why’d you skip dinner with the Murphys?”

Evan didn’t know how to answer that without giving himself away, remembering the _last_ time he’d gone to the Murphys. Remembering the car ride after.

“I just..” For a second he paused, considering the reaction to anything he could say. The last time he’d brought Zoe up to Jared - namely in the context of _not_ being sure he was into her - something drastic had happened. Maybe this would be different, though. It was less him throwing a chance away, or however Jared said it, and more him just backing out entirely. “I’ve just.. I don’t know, spent a lot of time with them. I guess.. I, uh, just kinda wanted a break?”

“Thought they were, like, oh so perfect.. or whatever.” This time there weren’t any accusations in his tone, no harshness to the edge. If anything he just sounded a little confused.

“I mean.. no? But either way..” Evan shifted how he sat with his back to Jared’s headboard, watching Jared himself lean forward from where he was kneeling in the middle of the bed to get a better view of his TV. He’d never really gotten why he played video games with his whole body but Jared had assured him it helped. “Like, I don’t know.. I feel kinda weird there.”

“What about your little girlfriend?”

“Zoe?”

It was a stupid question, of course he knew who Jared was talking about. If anything it was tentative, though, testing the waters.

“Duh.”

Well, alright. He supposed that was a fair enough answer.

“We’re not.. we’re not dating, dude.” He licked at his lips nervously, crossing his arms over his middle as eyes stayed trained on Jared’s TV. He didn’t really get the appeal of racing games but Jared seemed to like them enough. And he was good enough that he could take a second to cast a look over his shoulder back at Evan, rolling his eyes with a little scoff. “I’m serious!”

“Uh huh.” It was more amused than anything, at least he didn’t seem mad.

“No, really. We aren’t.. like that,” Evan tried to keep the desperate edge out of his voice. He wasn’t even really sure why he was so adamant that Jared believed him, that Jared knew he wasn’t with Zoe. “We’ve barely even.. like, we’ve barely talked since.. uh, since I, y’know.”

“Since you kissed her on her dead brother’s bed.”

It sounded worse the second time.

“I know it- I know it was bad, dude!” Now Evan couldn’t help but squirm a bit, even if Jared wasn’t actually looking at him he could feel the judgement from him. It wasn’t even that harsh, if anything Jared seemed baffled by how his brain had even led him to do that. Which.. Evan supposed that was fair enough, even he was still sort of lost on how he’d circled around to _that_ being a good idea. “I’m just saying.. we’re not, like, we’re not like.. a thing.”

“Alright, man. Don’t know why you wouldn’t go, though. Wouldn’t you get more, like, brownie points with her like that?” Jared had finished his round, setting his controller in his lap as he flopped down off his knees to sit on his ass, half turning to face him. “You made TCP blow up, she’d probably be all over you.”

While Evan knew Jared was pushing just to get a reaction the words still sort of hurt. Especially considering how much work he’d seen Jared himself put into the project, to see him try and act like it all came back to Zoe stung. Did Jared really see him like that?

“Well I don’t want that,” he spoke quickly, arms uncrossing, his right hand went to pick at the seam on the edge of his jeans. “I don’t.. I don’t want anything with Zoe.”

“Oh.”

With that Jared turned back around, hitting a few buttons on his controller to bring him into another race. It _was_ easier to talk when they weren’t looking at each other, Evan couldn’t fault him for that.

“Now that.. I guess now that I’ve gotten.. I’ve gotten to know her a little better..” If only everyone knew how much he’d actually gotten to know her, the days he’d relived with her. Not that many, admittedly, but more than anyone would normally. Experiencing a few days more than once was infinitely more than experiencing them once. Obviously. “I dunno, I guess I just.. I just sort of realized that, like, uh.. Shit. I mean, just. I don’t know why I liked her.”

“What? Is she like a bitch?” Jared was trying to make a joke - Evan was sure he recognized that tone - it just didn’t quite land.

“No, jeez.” He moved his arms to cross again, fingers idly running over the edge of his cast. “She’s, uh.. she’s great. I just.. I don’t like her like that.”

That was probably the most ‘middle school’ thing he’d ever said.

“Hm?” The hum Jared gave was urging him, pushing him to find the words. No matter how much he hated trying to pin his thoughts down sometimes he was grateful that Jared cared to push.

“I’m just not.. I’m just not, like, into her?” The only issue was that this time he really didn’t know how to put it into words. “I don’t know, man! How do you know _you’re_ not into- like, how d’you know when.. when you’re not into someone?”

“I.. okay, I guess you’ve got a point.” Jared paused his game, flopping back onto his mattress and tilting his head back to look up at Evan. “Still, I dunno. You were like.. mega into her.”

Honestly, he wanted to know why Jared was so caught up on it.

“Just.. I don’t know! I don’t like her, dude.” Evan pulled his knees up close to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. “Like I just.. I don’t feel it. When you’re.. I mean, shouldn’t you get, like, excited and.. and like all like.. butterflies around someone- if you’re around someone you like?”

Evan wasn’t even sure where their conversation was going anymore - it had been a while since they had any sort of genuine conversation with regards to, like, feelings. At least on Jared’s end. Sometimes Evan couldn’t get his mouth to shut but Jared tended to pull back, so seeing him laid out on his back, blinking up at him just sort of left Evan baffled.

Not as baffled as when Jared mustered up a response, though,

“I.. yeah. I mean, yeah.” He broke eye contact before Evan that time, casting his gaze across the room to a poster on his wall. “I guess you’d know better than me, dude.”

Evan wasn’t entirely sure he could say _that_ much - actually, he was just sort of proving to himself that he had no clue how to pick apart his own feelings and understand them.

At least he didn’t have to think about it long because Jared’s mom called up to them that their pizza was done.

* * *

> _1:23 pm_
> 
> _Tuesday November 8, 2016_

“How much d’you wanna bet I could make this into the trash?”

Evan looked up from his book, it wasn’t hard to grab his attention considering the library was practically empty. Perks of senior year, free periods and teachers having enough trust to let you spend it basically wherever you wanted. Well, TCP also helped. Maybe it was sort of bad but all they had to do was smile and say they wanted to do some work for the project in the library and their free period teacher let them go, leaving the silence of the room. No more silent study hall free periods for them.

Though, he couldn’t feel too bad about abusing that trust because it meant he just got to spend every other afternoon existing with Jared in the library. Besides, he at least tried to get some work done, working on his math homework while Jared reached over to scribble in his book or made clumsy origami animals. 

Or, in this case, a paper football.

“Dude,” Evan snorted a quiet laugh, glancing over his shoulder and leaning back. The librarian was visible through a doorway behind the checkout counter, back to them while they read in their office. A few feet behind him, by said counter, sat a trash can. “There’s no- like, there’s no way.”

“Doubting me, Hansen?” There was a lilt to his voice, head tipped as he grinned at him.

“Yes,” Evan responded quickly, it was accompanied with his own lopsided smile. After a second he slid his math book to the side, propping his elbows up on the table and holding his pointer fingers up and touching the tips of his thumbs together - making a mock football goal. “This is probably.. you could probably do this, though.”

“Bet,” Jared mumbled as he scooted his chair back, leaning forward so he could lower his head closer to the table while he held the paper football up with one pointer finger. He readied his other hand behind it, pointer finger held back so he could flick it.

“Shit!” Evan hissed, flinching to the side as the folded piece of paper shot past his head, landing on the ground behind him. “We’re like- we’re only like three feet apart! Why’d you do it that hard?”

Jared folded his arms on the table so he could press his face against his forearms, not bothering to stifle his giggles.

If this was the branch that came with breaking away from Zoe, Evan was happy to take it.

“Asshole,” he mumbled, getting up to lean over the table so he could flick the top of Jared’s head.

* * *

> _4:56 pm_
> 
> _Thursday November 10, 2016_

“How’s that my fault?”

“I’m not.. that’s not what I said.” Evan shifted in the passenger seat uncomfortably, rubbing at his newly cast free arm. He’d just meant to thank Jared for the ride to and from the doctor, but Alana had sent a text - not that he wanted to blame her, just.. - reminding them of how much money they needed to raise. Letting them know that the project was losing steam, engagement was down.

“Well I can’t read your mind.”

Evan almost wanted to argue that, it seemed like Jared knew him better than he knew himself these days. Ever since he’d skipped out on that dinner and avoided getting tangled up with Zoe, almost all of his time went to Jared.

“I’m not- it’s not like I’m.. like I’m telling you to!” While his voice raised a little it also got weaker in tandem. He didn’t want to fight. Not with Jared.

So why couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut?

“You’re not telling me much of _anything,_ dude.” Which, Evan had to admit that was fair enough. Reading Alana’s text out loud and then venting his frustrations wasn’t exactly conducive when he knew how Jared could get defensive sometimes. Not to mention that he directly mentioned the emails, that was probably a bad move. Speaking of, “if you wanted more fucking emails you could’ve just told me. You can’t be mad at me now, like, retroactively. You were also doing jack shit. We were doing jack shit _together._ So like..”

“Well you’re the one who- you always wanted to fuck around in the library!” As soon as he said it he regretted it, clenching his hands into fists while he dropped his gaze to his lap. He already knew what Jared was going to say because he _agreed._ Every time Jared asked he went with.

“You’re fucking kidding, dude-”

Jared never got to deliver the sentiment, though. Or, maybe he did but Evan couldn’t hear him over the blare of a semi’s horn. He didn’t even have a chance to repeat himself because instead of Jared’s voice he was met with the familiar crunch of Jared’s car collapsing like an accordion. He really hated how familiar that noise was becoming. 

* * *

> _6:31 am_
> 
> _Monday October 31, 2016_

Evan was sure Halloween was, like, the shittiest holiday. Even if he didn’t do anything for it, just by merit of waking up for it _again_ he hated it.

His cast felt heavier than usual, Connor’s name taunting him.

Back to the top.

* * *

> _11:25 am_
> 
> _Monday October 31, 2016_

“Dude, did you even like, sleep, ‘cause-”

Honestly, Evan didn’t even want to hear whichever way Jared spun it this time. His chest felt tight as he dragged in weak breaths, shrugging his backpack on and getting out of his seat. Most people were still shuffling into the lunchroom and this time Jared had paused on his way to the lunchline, not coming over with his food. It was better for him at least.

Even standing was taxing, the pain in his left shoulder was worse than it was last.. well, he wasn’t sure how to measure time anymore. The last time he lived this day. He’d looked that morning for a bruise because it sure _felt_ like there should be one, but his search came up with nothing.

“C’mere,” he forced out between huffs off breath, jaw clenched as he grabbed onto the bottom hem of Jared’s shirt with his good hand. He tugged them towards one of the far doors, slipping out as a few students slipped in, pulling him to the back hall.

Maybe Jared would call him crazy, but he just _couldn’t_ take it anymore. Not to mention how all the slightly altered greetings from him just felt off, everything else was the same all morning. His mom always said the same goodbye. Alana always said the same thing after first period. Why did _Jared_ mix it up?

“Don’t tell me you decided to become a rebel now. You wouldn’t skip lunch with me when I actually asked-”

“Please shut up,” Evan managed weakly, pulling Jared to stand with him in a little recess that housed two water fountains. Once they were tucked away he crossed his right arm across his body, grabbing at his left sleeve as he sort of curled in on himself. “I feel like- I feel like I’m losing my fucking _mind,_ Jared.”

“I.. dude, what..” he wasn’t really able to get a full thought out in his confusing, hands instinctively moving to grab onto the straps of his backpack.

“I know it’s stupid.. I just- shit. This sounds so fucking.. crazy but.. I swear I keep waking up- I keep waking up like _today._ Like.. multiple times.” The words came out rough and nearly broke at the end as his breath shuddered, shoulders rigid.

“Okay, hold on. Back up, Ev.” At least Jared wasn’t laughing. Tentatively he released his grip on his backpack, instead reaching out to settle on either of Evan’s shoulders. “So.. like, you keep waking up, but it’s today?”

He really thought this would be harder, like the movies. He was ready for opposition, to be laughed at, to have to perform some montage of predicting things to prove himself.

“I.. yeah. Like.. not every day, like.. I’ll make it a few weeks sometimes.. but then I-” The words wavered against his will and his shoulders just slumped, “but then I wake up.. up like _today_ again.”

“Shit.”

“No, I- it’s.. I know it sounds stupid but-”

“No, dude,” Jared’s grip tightened, giving his shoulders a slight squeeze, “I get it.”

“Wait.. what d’you mean?” One of Evan’s own hands came up, loosely holding onto Jared’s forearm - desperate for an anchor.

“Like, me too.” Those words were enough to rock Evan’s world, he felt his knees go weak. He wasn’t alone. 

“Wait- so.. so do you remember, like.. all the other days- all the other, um, days before?” He hadn’t meant to sound so hopeful, it really didn’t matter. Or it shouldn’t have mattered. All that they lost was.. time together. It was probably selfish but he wanted to hold onto all of that time if Jared remembered it too.

“Yeah. Shit, man. We just went to get your cast off yesterday.”

The unspoken hung between them: and then we died.

* * *

> _3:45 pm_
> 
> _Monday October 31, 2016_

“It’s.. you’re gonna do fine, man. You’ve done this how many times?”

Evan felt frustrated tears starting to well up in his eyes - sure, it was a little childish to be all but throwing a fit backstage before he went out to give his speech but he was so fucking _tired._

“That’s not the problem,” it bordered on whiny and he held back to urge to stomp his foot in his growing desperation, instead grabbing at the bottom of his own shirt. “I don’t wanna do it- wanna do it all over again. I’m so.. just, like, shit! I feel like I got hit by a truck, I mean-”

“To be fair, we did,” Jared cut in and Evan had to hold back every urge to grab his shoulders and shake him. “Ev, hey, I get it. I feel like shit, too. But.. we want it to stop, right? So we gotta.. do things right? You gotta give this speech.”

“Don’t make me,” he hadn’t meant for it to come out so small, so vulnerable.

“Ev, man-”

“No, Jare. Please.. just, shit. Please don’t make me do it.”

“But what if something happens if you don’t give it?” Evan hadn’t expected to subtle panic that leaked into Jared’s words, he couldn’t blame him, though. He really didn’t want to die again either. 

“Can’t you give.. can’t you do it?”

It wasn’t until the question was followed by a brief quiet that he realized it’d come from him. It was beyond vulnerable, beyond pathetic.

“Dude, I..”

“C’mon,” might as well go full force into it if he was going to stoop as low as begging Jared to give his speech, “you’ve heard me.. you’ve heard it how many times? You could do it. You’re.. You’re smart, you can tweak it. Hell, you’re better at- you’re better at public speaking than I am.”

Really, he hadn’t expected it to work.

* * *

> _2:54 pm_
> 
> _Friday November 4, 2016_

“I can’t believe I fucking listened to you.”

In hindsight, yeah, it wasn’t really the _best_ idea. Evan’s desperation had just been too loud for him to think too hard about all the ripples this would cause. 

Everything was a lot less convincing when Evan suddenly had another best friend who knew enough about Connor to give a mirror version of his speech despite never being mentioned before. So, yeah, he knew he should take the fall on this one. It was his fault that all their social medias were blowing up with questions all week that neither of them knew how to answer.

Some deep seated frustration and bitterness didn’t want to accept that, though. He wanted to lash out rather than face it and the steady ache that had clung to his ribs all week - separate from the bruised feeling he’d woken up with that Monday.

“Well you did. So that’s.. that’s on you.”

“Oh, fuck _off,_ asshole. You were the one acting like a toddler over giving a speech-” somehow Jared always knew how to make his words hit in just the right way. Well, Evan could chalk that up to just knowing him a little too well. “I didn’t _want_ to do it.”

“But you _did,_ that’s.. that’s what I’m fucking saying.”

“Oh well sorry!” Jared took his hands off the wheel, throwing them up in an obvious exasperation as they started on the road away from the school. Evan _was_ going to take the bus but they’d just.. kept spending time together. Especially with their new revelation - they were in this together. Besides, they needed to come up with a game plan to explain the speech.

Well, needed, pointedly in past tense.

The backlash wasn’t going to matter.

“I can’t fucking _believe_ you-”

Evan wondered if Jared was ever going to get a full thought out before something or other compacted them alive in his car.

The sound of metal on metal was becoming something he expected.

* * *

> _6:42 am_
> 
> _Monday October 31, 2016_

“I’m sorry,” Evan couldn’t think of anything better to open with as he slid into Jared’s passenger seat. He was a bit anxious as he did it, weak fingers securing his seatbelt. Nothing really made much sense - if Jared giving the speech fucked them over, how’d they make it to Friday?

“Me too.” It was honestly more than Evan expected. Maybe a few weeks ago.. well, hell he’s not really sure how much time has passed. The point was, that maybe before all this happened, before they started to spend all their time together, that Jared would’ve dodged it more. He might’ve even turned it back on him. The last thing he would’ve given was an admission, an apology. 

Really, it kind of made him want to reach across the console and give his hand a squeeze.

“You gotta do the speech today, though.” This time his words were more gentle than they were pushing. Of course, there was the underlying urgency to them, but it almost came across hesitant. Like he wouldn’t _make_ him. “I.. I think it got all messed up when you didn’t.”

Again, Evan was a little skeptical. Why had they made it to Friday, then? 

Either way, he really didn’t want to argue again.

Everything ached a little too much and he was a little too tired.

“I.. alright. Okay.”

There was a hand on his shoulder, thumb smoothing over his shirt. Jared didn’t look over at him, though, eyes stuck on the road while his hand lingered.

It was either _that_ or plain nerves that made Evan’s stomach twist.

* * *

> _3:59 pm_
> 
> _Monday October 31, 2016_

“Holy shit, man.”

“Huh?”

Evan didn’t really have any recollection of the last handful of minutes. All he knew was that he’d gotten on the ground to pick up his note cards - no matter how many times he gave the speech he still couldn’t get the shake in his hands under control - nothing after that. Now he was backstage, auditorium seats hidden behind the curtains with a balled up hoodie under his head. Blinking a few times revealed Jared leaning over him, face creased with concern.

“Shit. I thought you were gonna leave me by myself this time,” it was spoken softly enough that none of the school faculty bustling around backstage picked up on it. He hadn’t even thought of it like that - what if only one of them died? Honestly, he didn’t want to think about it too hard.

Jared’s somber smile was lost into a sea of faces as a few adults started to fret over him, including the nurse. The lies nearly lodged in his throat as he forced them out: didn’t sleep well, didn’t have much lunch, felt a little sick earlier, low iron.

At least it was enough to get them to leave him alone with some chastising to take better care of himself.

When the congregation thinned out Jared was back, kneeling in front of where he sat. After a pause he leaned forward, reaching behind him to grab the hoodie that had been his pillow - Jared’s hoodie. When he sat back he made his way to his feet before leaning down and extending a hand. At the feeling of their fingers connecting as he was pulled up he bit on his tongue gently. They lingered like that, Jared’s own palm as sweaty as his own.

“Let’s hope this one doesn’t fuck us over, yeah?”

“I don’t want to die.”

While the words shook the sentiment was steady, no filler words, no fumbles. Jared’s frowned as he pulled his hand away, Evan couldn’t help but note how he didn’t wipe his palm off on his jeans - so he stopped himself from doing the same, even if the sticky feeling was uncomfortable.

“I know.”

There was a second where Evan thought about shuffling forward and just tugging Jared into his arms, holding onto him tight. It felt dangerous, though. He couldn’t quite place why. Despite the newfound closeness between them he couldn’t help but feel like he was overstepping some unspoken boundary. The moment passed either way, he watched Jared pull his car keys from his pocket, nodding towards the back door out of the auditorium.

He didn’t need to ask Evan twice.

* * *

> _11:34 pm_
> 
> _Thursday November 3, 2016_

“Okay, that’s kinda fucked, dude.”

Even as Evan said it he knew that, but death was just common enough to them now. It might’ve been dramatic but he really didn’t want to see another video on Twitter of himself passing out on stage. Maybe saying he wanted to die was drastic, but hey. He was sort of convinced they were on their way there anyways.

Which is exactly why rational thought was out the window as he picked at a fraying thread on his seatbelt. 

“This whole thing is ‘kinda fucked’, dude,” he tossed it right back, enough mocking in his tone to surprise Jared. It wasn’t right, he knew that, but everything was just overwhelming. Which was the exact reason why Jared had dragged him out to a late movie. Even if driving was sort of nerve wracking now. They made plenty of car trips without dying, though, they couldn’t just not drive. They made it to and from school every day. No problem. He knew Jared was tense still though, saw how his hands gripped the wheel tightly out of the corner of his eye.

“I _know_ that.” 

That should have been it, he should’ve stopped there. Instead he just pretended he didn’t hear the way Jared’s voice shook.

“I don’t wanna- I don’t want to keep doing this shit.”

“What, do you think I do?”

He needed to stop.

“Well you’re.. you haven’t been that helpful,” the words wavered, betraying him. It didn’t carry the weight he wanted it to. 

“You gotta be kidding. I can’t fucking solve this shit like a goddamn crossword, asshole! You think I’m not trying? It’s not like you have any helpful leads. I’d say I’m the only one trying,” his tone was trying to be harsh, trying a little too hard. When Evan glanced at him he saw how he squirmed in his seat, he could sense how bad he just wanted to run away.

It was cruel, he was being cruel.

“All you did was make me do- all you.. you made me do the stupid speech and- and now- and.. now I’m all over Twitter! I look fucking stupid!”

“Well we’re alive, aren’t we?”

Evan knew he shouldn’t have felt the sick satisfaction he did when the screech of tires drowned everything else out. 

Not that he was _happy,_ just.. the whole thing had him sort of fucked up. He was on the brink, looking over a dangerous precipice. He wanted it all to just stop, he wanted quiet, even for a little bit.

Quiet was granted to him a second after the familiar metal sounds.

* * *

> _6:45 am_
> 
> _Monday October 31, 2016_

This time Evan didn’t bother with an apology.

“Good morning to you, too.”

Yeah, Evan really fucking hated Halloween.

“Just.. let’s just go.” Evan tried to justify to himself that Jared didn’t apologize _either,_ so.. like, he was fine. It was easier to fool himself than admit his growing resentment and frustration - to admit he was kind of becoming an _asshole._

“What if I don’t?” 

While he knew he sort of deserved it, he really didn’t want to have this conversation. At least Jared let off his break and pulled away from the curb in front of Evan’s house. The threat proving itself to be empty left Evan silent, not bothering to grace the bluff with any response. Jared seemed to take a page out of his book from the night before, though, fingers drumming on the wheel in a feeble attempt to expel what Evan assumed was frustration.

Unable to keep himself in check he opened his mouth - again, Evan couldn’t blame him.

“Can you at least try to do this fucking speech today.”

Oh.

Evan wasn’t really sure what to expect but that one stung a little. Jared should’ve known better than anyone how his body ached, how his limbs felt heavy. Hell, it was worse now. The exhaustion had his eyelids heavy, his arms rested limply in his lap.

“Well sorry I’m- you know.. you.. I’m kinda fucking going through it right now.”

“Oh, shut up.” 

It was sort of jarring to hear Jared so outwardly confrontational. But he knew it had to be getting to him, too. He knew better than anyone.

“How mature.”

“Again, you were the one who threw a fit over giving your speech before. That was real mature.” 

Evan just wanted to be back in the library, wanted to be flicking paper at each other, wanted to be swatting Jared’s hands away from his homework. 

This wasn’t what he wanted.

“You’re so..” Even he’s not sure where it’s going, it’s just bitter and angry. In fact, it’s really going _nowhere_ because when he actually thinks, based in reality, Jared’s been nothing but helpful. Sure, he’s not the best at it but he kept trying. He never gave up. 

“Fuck you.”

It wasn’t as outwardly brimming with anger, it wasn’t as harsh, it wasn’t as scathing as anything before but it still hurt.

It almost hurt as much as the impact to the passenger side door did.

Almost.

* * *

> _6:43 am_
> 
> _Monday October 31, 2016_

“I’m sorry.”

This time it came from Jared first.

“I.. yeah. I’m sorry.”

They lingered in front of Evan’s house. This time they did connect hands over the console, fingers threaded together while they both gave slight squeezes. They didn’t pull away until Jared turned out onto the main road. Neither of them spoke up until then, either.

“So.. there’s obviously more to it.”

Evan could’ve snapped, could’ve dropped a harsh _‘obviously’._

Instead he _tried,_ returned Jared’s effort.

“Maybe we.. we just go through it like, uh.. like normal? Like the first time? We’ll see.. we can see what that does?” A soft admission, a promise to try. Jared was right in some regards, the speech came easily to him now, at least mentally. Whether his body could keep up was a different story.

Try. He was going to try, though.

If not for him, then for Jared. 

* * *

> _11:26 am_
> 
> _Monday October 31, 2016_

“Okay, so.. we managed to get the farthest when you got with Zoe.”

“I.. I mean I guess,” his words gave away how twitchy that sentence alone had made him feel. He was too tired to try and mask much of anything anymore. Besides, it felt wrong. He’d done enough lying and he was getting ready to give his big, lie filled speech after school. It felt _wrong_ to take advantage of what he _knew_ would happen if he had dinner with the Murphys after his speech. “But I just..”

“But?”

Evan absentmindedly scratched at his arm, just above his cast. His discomfort was obvious but Jared still kept looking at him, almost looking through him. 

“I don’t.. _want_ to.” It felt like something he shouldn’t have to say, especially after the conversation they’d had in Jared’s bedroom. He didn’t like Zoe like that and even if he did it felt wrong to use her like that.

“Well do you want to keep dying?”

Evan knew that Jared already knew the answer to that. 

It really wasn’t fair and he also knew that Jared knew that. He could pick up on it as he watched the way Jared drummed his fingers on the table.

“That’s so.. I don’t..” There was something underlying that he didn’t know how to dig up and put into words. So he folded. Again, for Jared’s sake. When it came down to it he’d do some shitty things for Jared. Which, looking back he was sure the other felt similarly, if the emails and the fact that The Connor Project existed was anything to go off of. “I.. okay. We can- we can, uh, try it.”

When Jared reached over the table to give his shoulder a pat he felt his stomach twist.

* * *

> _5:12 pm_
> 
> _Monday November 7, 2016_

“You’ve given me my brother back.”

When Evan kissed Zoe back he felt an overwhelming urge to cry.

* * *

> _7:33 pm_
> 
> _Wednesday November 16, 2016_

“Have you even looked at a calendar, dude?”

Every day. Every time he woke up.

“I.. yes. Just..” The words escaped him - what could he even say to that? He checked his calendar obsessively, sometimes in the middle of the day because he almost couldn’t believe it. Every day he woke up and held his breath, waiting for it to all come crashing back down. 

“This is great!”

Evan wasn’t sure how to say that he’d rather spend his time another way, not placing himself at the Murphys’ place nearly every day. He wasn’t sure how to say that kissing Zoe tasted like giving up a part of himself. Didn’t know how to say that even though Zoe didn’t complain about having to warm his hands when she held them made him feel sick because the whole time he wanted to let go.

There was no simple way to sit there and spill how every little thing made him guilty. Well, aside from saying _that,_ but it didn’t really encapsulate how he felt. It ran deeper than any guilt he’d known before. It filled his chest like a balloon, suffocating him from the inside. But Jared was his friend, Jared was trying, Jared was _excited_ when another day passed. He didn’t want to think about being the one who ruined that.

So instead he leaned his head on the passenger window, listening to the soft rumble as they drove.

Jared was less scared of driving now.

How could he take that away?

How could he turn his back on the same person who took the time to pick him up every night he had dinner with his _girlfriend?_

“I don’t want to do this.” He felt guilty keeping it in and he felt guilty saying it. There was no winning.

“We just gotta stick it out,” Jared sounded so _hopeful._ He sounded so sure and just..

When he opened his mouth he already felt the tears brimming in his eyes.

“There’s.. it’s not ‘we’.”

“Huh?”

“It’s.. we’re not a ‘we’ sticking it.. like, sticking it out together.” Was it worse when his words sounded so hollow? Was it better when he was brimming with anger? At least then he was _feeling,_ because right now he just felt empty. He barely recognized his own voice, he didn’t want to go back to that place in the back of his mind. That place he grew well acquainted with over the summer. He wanted to be better, to do better. He wanted to feel as hopeful as Jared sounded. “I want.. I wanna break up with, uh, with her.”

“Oh, come on.” The nervous laugh with the words dug into a deep place inside of Evan. 

“No, I.. I want- no.. I need to break up with her.”

“And then we’ll die.”

Hearing his own hollow tone mirrored back in Jared’s voice stung. There it was, the hope was gone. And it was because of him.

“You don’t.. that’s not fair, you don’t know that.” When his hands started to feel twitchy he perked up, the rush of feeling _anything_ had him emboldened. “I’m not gonna.. I am not gonna keep doing this. I don’t.. I hate it. I hate lying like this, I..”

“Lying about this,” Jared parroted back blandly. “But lying about everything else was fine?”

Were they really still on this?

“Holy shit. I can’t.. I can’t fucking believe-” as his tone picked up, raising in volume without his approval he felt a warmth spreading through his body. “Coming from you! You’re the- you.. you helped me, you offered.. you-”

“I told you not to lie, I told you-”

The last thing Evan thought about upon impact was about how he was going to wake up with his cast on again.

* * *

> _6:51 am_
> 
> _Monday October 31, 2016_

“I didn’t even break up with her and-”

“Alright.”

Evan loosened his grip on the car door, hesitating before climbing into Jared’s passenger seat again. He’d been ready to defend himself, ready to present his ideas and thoughts. Ready to theorize. Or, hell, ready to just cry.

Jared’s eyes reflected back his own exhaustion as he caught his gaze. He was sure the other’s limbs felt as heavy as his own. He was sure that he didn’t want to argue about it either. So, this time it was Evan who reached over the console to grab onto Jared’s hand.

* * *

> _8:43 pm_
> 
> _Monday November 14, 2016_

“Hey.”

Evan lifted his head, holding his index finger to the spot in his AP biology book where he’d just been reading. There really wasn’t anything efficient about doing homework at Jared’s house - at least when they were both doing work from _different_ classes - but it was nicer than being alone at home while his mom was working. Besides, he liked being on this side. No lying to Zoe, spending time with Jared.

“Hm?”

“So what if-” before Jared could even get his thought out Evan slumped back against the headboard where he was sitting on Jared’s bed, giving a snort of laughter. It wasn’t discouring, though, if anything it only further communicated that he was waiting with baited breath for whatever absurd thing Jared was going to say. They’d fallen in sync. “Asshole, didn’t even let me say it.”

“Sorry, sorry.” Giving up on his textbook, Evan stuck the worksheet he was trying to fill out between the pages to serve as a bookmark before closing it. Once it was set to his side he held his hands up in a mock surrender, watching Jared as he spun back and forth in his desk chair. These genuine moments were hard to come by lately, even rarer were these moments where Evan didn’t need to feel guilty when his body relaxed and his eyes crinkled at the corners from a smile.

“Anyways,” when Jared half spun and lifted his head Evan could see his own smile mirrored back, plastered on Jared’s face, “so what if, like.. okay, if you could make one animal extinct.. which would it be?”

“Wait,” Evan sat up a little taller, tipping his head in confusion while he looked at Jared, face creased with an amused disbelief, “not.. save from extinction?”

“You heard me, baby,” Jared gave his chair another spin, flashing finger guns at him. 

Evan finally felt like he had enough knowledge to keep having that conversation they’d had what felt like ages ago, in Jared’s room while he played games.

It was embarrassing how one playful little teasing nickname could have him sort of frozen.

“Well what would.. what would you, uh, pick?”

“Nope! Gotta answer me first,” Jared leaned forward in his chair, giving Evan that classic shit-eating grin.

“I.. shit. I don’t know,” with a huff Evan turned where he was sitting, flopping down onto his back, splaying out on Jared’s mattress, “uh.. I guess if there’d be like.. no consequences and you’re _making_ me-”

“I am!”

“Oh my god,” Evan snorted, squeezing his eyes shut as his grin just grew, “fine. Okay. I guess.. like, black rhinos. But! Literally _only_ because they’re critically endangered.”

“Just ripping the bandaid off ‘em, huh?”

It drew a sputtered fit of laughter from Evan and he crossed his arms over his stomach as he shook from the force of it. Tipping his head back he peeked open an eye, looking at Jared upside down.

“Whatever. What about you?”

“Oh, I’ve got, like, literally no clue man. I just wanted to know what you’d pick.”

When Evan tossed a pillow at his chest Jared caught it easily.

* * *

> _6:32 pm_
> 
> _Thursday November 17, 2016_

“How did you forget?”

Evan couldn’t help but feel like that was unfair, a little uncalled for. Either way he shoved his shoes on and shrugged on his hoodie, taking the steps two at a time as he trailed Jared out to his garage. His passenger seat was painfully familiar but climbing into it now felt a lot like being cornered.

“Really?” Evan fought to keep his fingers from shaking while he buckled up, “what about you, _treasurer,_ you’re in.. you’re part of this too. I.. like, seriously? You’re the one who- you put the movie on!”

“You’re president! You should know when we’re doing events more than me!” Jared’s car sort of jerked when he hit the breaks to cap off his words, shifting into drive once he was backed out of his driveway. “You should’ve said something before we put the movie on. I wouldn’t have started it if I knew.”

“Co-president,” Evan muttered, hunching his shoulders as he sunk back into his seat. 

“Oh my god. No one cares about the logistics. You’re in charge!”

“Why are you- why are you even on the project if you- if you.. if you don’t even care enough to know when, like, to know when we’re doing shit?”

That seemed to be enough to shut Jared up.

He’d thought about that exact thing before in a vast amount of contexts, it didn’t feel good. He always thought he wanted the last word, wanted to deliver that movie-esque line. It didn’t feel as good as media made it look.

If he was being honest, Evan couldn’t say for certain if the accident was unavoidable this time or if Jared swerved into the other lane.

* * *

> _6:31 am_
> 
> _Monday October 31, 2016_

Evan didn’t feel bad about his lack of apology.

When he closed the car door he all but slammed it.

Once he was settled he didn’t buckle his seatbelt.

* * *

> _4:32 pm_
> 
> _Monday October 31, 2016_

Evan found that laying on his bedroom floor was vastly preferable to giving speeches.

The carpet made the back of his neck itch.

* * *

> _2:58 pm_
> 
> _Monday November 7, 2016_

“I’m driving you home.”

It was the first time Jared had spoken to him the whole week.

When his stomach twisted he couldn’t even pretend there was a pleasant edge to it, it just hurt. 

“Fine,” his voice was sort of raw from a lack of use. Without Jared around he hadn’t realized how little talking he did to anyone else. Well, it probably also helped that he was ignoring everyone else. All but ditching the project also helped on the frontier. 

Getting into Jared’s car almost felt foreign, even if only a week had passed. Hell, being without Jared had just felt odd. Doing it again he wasn’t sure how he ever did it in the first place, he wasn’t sure how he willingly let Jared slip through the cracks most of the year before. It just fucking sucked.

“We’re supposed to be in this together.”

They were a mess, really. The edge in Jared’s voice immediately had Evan on the defensive - couldn’t he see how much he was hurting, too? It wasn’t fun, he wasn’t doing anything he was doing because he enjoyed it.

“Well we made it a week,” Evan muttered with a shrug, hugging his backpack to his chest, “we’re still.. we’re still here. So maybe we just- maybe we just stop talking.”

“What about last time?” Jared’s voice held a heartbroken little lilt - _what about last time?_ Last time when they’d made it nearly three weeks, together. When they spent evenings cooped up in Jared’s room doing homework and tossing popcorn into each other’s mouths.

“What about it?”

“You’re fucking impossible!”

The same song and dance, everything Evan expected.

“Maybe we’ll just.. maybe eventually we’ll just stop waking back up.”

“You’re such a fucking asshole, sometimes.”

Evan didn’t have a chance to give his own quiet agreement. 

Same song and dance.

Tires, metal, glass.

* * *

> _6:59 am_
> 
> _Monday October 31, 2016_

“What about school?” It was the first time Evan had spoken up since they’d last been in the car - since before they’d woken up again. 

“What about it,” Jared shrugged, hanging a right as he pulled up to a McDonald’s drive-thru, “thought we’d get breakfast.”

The tired voice of an employee kept Evan from talking and hearing Jared remember what he always liked to order filled his stomach with guilt. It wasn’t until they were parked in the parking lot with food balanced on their laps that Evan spoke up again.

“We’re gonna be late.”

“We’re not going,” the immediate answer caught Evan off guard, it was like Jared was waiting, like he knew exactly what he was going to say. Maybe he did. Jared inexplicably seemed to know everything about him. All the time.

“Why.. I..” Evan stared at his lap, stared at the pancakes he hadn’t touched yet, “they’re gonna, like, call our parents? What do we..”

“I mean, shit. We’re probably gonna die soon. Who cares?”

Maybe it was a little fucked up, but hearing that sort of put Evan at ease. Something about the reserved acceptance, fighting was hard. They weren’t forcing anything, weren’t going to crack the code and just keep dying, but if it was going to happen they couldn’t stop it. His limbs felt a little lighter when he realized they didn’t _need_ to fight it. When he realized Jared didn’t expect him to. When they didn’t have to pretend and keep up appearances. 

“Why.. why d’you think it- that it was us?”

“Wish I knew, man.”

They didn’t need to talk after that.

They shared an orange juice and when Jared drove them back to his place they held hands over the center console.

* * *

> _2:56 pm_
> 
> _Wednesday November 2, 2016_

Of course Evan felt bad when The Connor Project inevitably faded into obscurity.

And, shit, he felt bad when Alana confronted him, chewed him out. He deserved it, he knew that much, so he let her hold onto that frustration. All he could do was offer lackluster apologies and try not to be too upset when she avoided eye contact in the hallway.

Jared caught less flack from her but they didn’t talk anymore.

“Eh, maybe next time we’ll be better at this,” Jared offered with a short laugh while he drove them home from school. It was dangerous, to be so flippant with their lives and choices, but they were tired. Plain and truly tired.

“It’s probably better for.. like, for her. She can focus on, uh.. she can focus on some better stuff now. Better causes.”

“Right? Exactly,” Jared’s accompanying laugh was a little hollow, but it was still brighter than anything he’d heard recently. Or.. maybe that was just because it was Jared.

“We’re, like, doing everyone a favor.”

Jared’s thumb brushed over the back of his hand where he’d all but pulled it into his lap. Their shoulders both shook a little with near silent laughs - it was horribly absurd, all of it.

* * *

> _6:40 am_
> 
> _Friday November 11, 2016_

“Did you know the pumpkin patch down off the highway is still open?”

“I thought they closed after Halloween?” Evan couldn’t hide his grin if he tried, turning in his seat to drop his backpack in the backseat. “Are they open after school.. or, like, uh.. do they close earlier now?”

“School is for dweebs,” Jared said with a huff of laughter, “dweebs who, like, aren’t gonna maybe die.”

“You’re so dumb,” the words were followed by Evan blindly reaching for Jared’s hand after he buckled, pulling his phone from his pocket with his other hand. He didn’t think Jared was lying but, hey, he wanted to see what a pumpkin patch could possibly offer in _November._ Unless it was _just_ pumpkins and no attractions. Oh well, they could make pumpkin pie or something. Or just buy one. Those farms always had stuff for sale.

“I try.” Easily, Jared laced his fingers with Evan’s, not taking his eyes off the road.

* * *

> _2:02 pm_
> 
> _Saturday November 12, 2016_

“Your taste in movies.. like, sucks.”

Jared didn’t move his eyes off the screen, hand absentmindedly brushing back and forth over Evan’s legs where they rested in his lap.

“Yet you’re still here.”

He wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

* * *

> _4:09 pm_
> 
> _Sunday November 13, 2016_

Kissing Jared didn’t taste like anything.

It just sort of felt normal, like coming home.

The whole drive home from the mall was quiet while they had their pinkies linked together. The whole drive they waited for the other boot to drop. Maybe it was all the internalized shit that got dredged up when Jared had leaned over and put a hand on the back of his head, kissing him before he started the car.

Nothing happened.

They pulled back into the Kleinmans’ driveway without incident.

* * *

> _2:04 pm_
> 
> _Wednesday November 16, 2016_

“Hey stranger,” Jared murmured, gently elbowing Evan as he dropped down onto the seat next to him at the lunch table. Without having to exchange any words Evan swapped his water bottle for Jared’s strawberry milk before holding his hand under the table.

“Please, like, tell me you have the.. the AP calc homework,” Evan said softly, shifting his leg to press the sides of their thighs together, “I only did like.. like half of it.”

“Lazy bitch,” Jared hummed, shaking his head, “mhm. Yeah, I got it.”

“Thanks.” Evan leaned to knock their shoulders together before going about eating his sandwich one handed.

* * *

> _12:01 am_
> 
> _Saturday November 19, 2016_

“I don’t get it.”

Evan couldn’t say he did either. Ever since they’d gotten out of Jared’s car unscathed earlier that night they were sort of at a loss. Half of Evan honestly was just waiting to drop dead in the middle of their sleepover, they’d never gotten this far. He almost expected it to be a cutoff - it had been the first time they’d died, after all. November 18th. When the clock ticked over they held their breath.

Nothing.

Jared gently knocked him onto the bed, smiling against his lips as he kissed him.

* * *

> _3:21 pm_
> 
> _Sunday May 28, 2017_

“I’ve been thinking.”

“Dangerous.”

Jared scoffed out a good-humored laugh, tugging on Evan’s hand and knocking their shoulders together, “literally fuck off.”

“Sorry,” Evan sputtered between laughter, leaning over to press a kiss to the side of his head, “hit me with it.”

When they separated and Evan moved to settle into the passenger seat - mindful of his graduation gown as to not shut it in the door - he realized he couldn’t remember the last time he was scared to get into a car. Funny how things happened.

“Shit, I mean.. knock on wood that I’m not, like, fucking us over.”

“Unless you have.. have, uh, a 2x4 I don’t think- then I don’t think either of us are knocking on wood.”

After he buckled his seatbelt Jared leaned over, reaching up to gently knock on Evan’s head.

“That’s.. what?” It was capped with laughter as Evan gave him a puzzled look, “if my head was, like, empty it’d.. it’d be like air, not wood.”

“Whatever,” Jared drawled, rolling his eyes with a grin as he pulled out of the school parking lot, “as I was saying.”

“Yes, continue.”

“I was thinking about, like.. when we were.. y’know. How we still never figured it out.” Evan didn’t stiffen when Jared mentioned it this time - he had before, months earlier. Now it.. was just something that hung over their heads, they couldn’t really fight with it anymore.

“Yeah?”

“Maybe it’s stupid.. just, like..” Jared chewed at his lip, keeping his eyes ahead as he pulled out onto the road. “I can’t help but think it was some bullshit with, like, getting us together. Not like.. not like soulmate shit, or whatever. Like, even as friends. I mean, I still don’t get why we’d matter enough for that. Two random fucked up high schoolers..”

“What makes us special enough- like, special enough to fuck up literal time.”

It wasn’t even a question, just continuing Jared’s sentiment.

“Exactly! Like.. man, I don’t know. I feel like.. every time it happened was a moment where I.. where I was ready to say ‘fuck it’ with regards to.. this,” taking one hand off the wheel he blindly gestured between them. “Is that, like, weirdly conceited to think that was it?”

“Probably,” Evan snickered, reaching out to take Jared’s hand where it still lingered by the center console. “Guess it doesn’t.. like, really matter, though.”

“Yeah. Like I said, was just thinking.” Evan felt Jared shrug rather than saw it, giving his hand a little squeeze.

“Dangerous,” Evan repeated, grin pulling lopsided at the absurdity.

It was a wonderfully sappy thought, though. To think that the universe cared enough to let them keep trying. Well, it wasn’t really a pleasant experience - Evan really fucking hated Halloween now, but still. 

“You suck.”

Evan knew what it held that Jared didn’t say, though. What he didn’t need to say.

_‘I love you.’_

**Author's Note:**

> kudos n comments mean the world


End file.
